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Course You Can Malcolm, I have a hunch, is back...

Season’s greetings to you all. Ring out the bells, ring out the bells, Course You Can Malcolm enters its fourth year on August the 28th against Stretford United. Four years? Crikius Crumbius Maximus, that’s a long time for a big bag of biz to be going on but going on it is. Four years of relentless entertainment, beer, food, profundity and profanity that will eventually get us back home to Newton Heath where we can carry on being entertaining, beery, foody, profound and profane"¦except we’ll be doing it in the comfort of our own home. Put your feet up, rest awhile"¦

Sat’s entertainment, Sat’s entertainment"¦

It’s August. It’s too light for football. I got a burnt neck at Marine. There is something effete about wearing factor forty at football despite the fey protestations of the film Football Factory which I can only presume is a film advocating the putting on of factor at football.

Because August is generally too Augusty we are going for a summery feel. People need to parrot. It’s been a long break. We have Moston active Drama who will be doing an 11 minute snippet from their new play ’Thai brides and Teacakes’ The band The Naughtys - previously appreciated at Malcolmses - who are doing the soundtrack for the play were going to do their musical bit around it but one of them is at a wedding.

Rob Lees, one of the top swots behind MaD, will be there to answer questions on why the theatre company picks on the word ’active’ in its title, only making it lower case. Is that vowelist? Rob’s there to answer your concerns about how this might affect the club. It’s not as if the word ’active’ doesn’t need emphasising around Moston with all the porky youth knocking about in their elasticated trousers that they insist on calling ’trackies’ when in fact they’re just trousers with elastification. And that’s elasticated trousers.

Also we are unproud to present Murrjy in a little spot called ’Margentiferous’. Apparently our manager has a quiet time between about 2.15 and 2.35 and finds himself at a loosies. Now since he read what they do to greyhounds to make them run faster before a game it’s given him ideas. So to stop his fidgeting we are going to invite him to tell one of his truly, truly atrocious jokes before each Saturday home game at CYCM. I’d like to say he might tell two of his truly atrocious jokes but I’m sure we don’t want to be the first club in history where the manager is beaten to death, not for his team’s results, but because of the paucity of his humour.

And whilst on the subject of paucity of humour we are also having Andrew Walsh talking efficiently, clinically and effectively on all things FC United of Manchester be that on the ground, the season ahead or on the fact he kept his coat on at Marine even though everyone else was sweating-like-a-blue-near-a-lie-detector. He probably had something un-ironed going on. Ask him, he’ll be there one’ish.

BEER, wahey, beer"¦

Aww, one of the two freezers that we keep the bottled beer in when Malcolmses is on got a bad case of death at the last game of last season. But hoorah, we have managed to get one freemans from the NHS. Don’t ask how but be assured with its medical background it’ll make you all feel much better and in a nicer disposition to support your club at 3 o’clock. We’re going to call the freezer ’Nurse NICE’. Urf, urf, that’s positively ’Newsnight’ in its astute political-yet-comedic naming. Hold it, Newsnight isn’t funny. We need a new name. It won’t be Cornish in origin.

Blaine, CYCM’s resident radge, is going to be doing that thing with the guest ale again this season. That is he orders a crate of big bottles of real ale from an independent brewery or micro-brewery nearest to the opposition we are playing. I just think that is such a romantic gesture that you should all give Blaine a kiss after you’ve bought a bottle. Tongues obv. This Saturday he informs us it’s "¦

"Springhead Brewery’s ’Roaring Meg’ 5.5% ABV, gulp"¦Roaring Meg is the ’Big blonde’. Smooth, sweet with a dry finish and citrus honey aroma"??.

Goodness love him, he’s young, he’s single, can we not sort him out a girl for the sake of his liver? The usual smart ales, ciders and lagers are again available this season at our ridiculously cheap price of two pound a big bottle and two even bigger cider bottles for a fiver. This is the fourth year we’ve held the prices the same. We’re crucifying the profits of the brewing industry so as you can then re-invest it in our club. We like that. We know you do. Again the challenge is on for you to try to drink us dry. You won’t do it like. The Oddies have told me to tell you that they are too good for you, you big bag of bells. They’ll wring you out.


There is no tater hash with pie crust. Don’t cry. It’s August. Kevin and Deb who do the tater hash honours are on hols. They need a break. This week we are going all Jamaican jerk chicken with"¦Jamaican jerk chicken and other delicacies. And Pot Noodle. There is no Carrot Corner this week but be assured those vegetarians who have done us so proud in the past will be asked again. However, there will be an unveiling of the new smart red, white and black laminated plaques for ’Tea Earn’ and ’Carrot Corner’. We’ll ask Mandy, who serves you your beer, to cut the ribbon at the unveiling as I’ve heard Faz, our beer lugger, call her a bit of a Mayoress on more than one occasion.

There is also going to be famous brandy fruitcake. Josephine90 will be coming around flogging you brandy fruit cake that’s going to be in Asda’s Hallowe’en bumf. We know a woman who photographs food for a living. I know. The Odd Carriers look on her as odder. And that’s stifferteez competition for oddness. She bakes her own cakes, then photographs them, then companies buy the photies off her. Because she’s FC United of Manchester-friendly we get the cake for free and we turn it into bits of Newton Heath for your Newtons. And Josephine90 has been topping up the brandy in it far too religiously because she also has drink issues like Blaine.

So there you have it. You can drink and eat inferior and dearer food and beer at someone else’s pub somewhere or you can come into YOUR club pub, that YOU own, and drink and eat YOUR club’s beer and food that raises between £700 to £1200 a game for YOUR club. And all run by lovely volunteers who give up their time and effort just to get us closer to going back home to Manchester. Your role is to be entertained. Take it. It’s yours.

Together, as always, to the next three points"¦

Fraternally yours

The CYCM Odd Carriers

**** CYCM is an FC United of Manchester members’ pub. That means if you’re an FC United of Manchester member then you get to come in. One guest allowed per member. There will be membership forms as you come in. All bottles to be kept within the bar area because if you take it out on the terrace you won’t be coming in again. It’s a football league ground. Their rules on this one that they’ll take great relish in hurting us for if we transgress. This is our ’No divs’ policy that we firmly adhere to for the dignity of our club because nobody wants to drink with divs. That is a Mancunian fact ****

First Posted ~ 15:55 Thu 26 Aug 2010
News ID ~ 3051
Last Updated ~ 02:52 Tue 16 Feb 2021